Am I Ready to Have Sex?

“My boyfriend wants to have sex, but I’m not sure if I am ready. We’ve been dating a long time. He says that he loves me, but…”

Do these words sound familiar? In most dating relationships the question arises. Am I ready to have sex? The fact of the matter in this question is not just about sex; it is more complicated than that.

Before you answer, let’s take a deeper look. Let’s understand the meaning of this question and the emotions behind it. There is a reason you feel the way that you do. Once you walk through that door, say yes; there is no turning back. The decision is made, final.

Where is the relationship?
The length of time a couple has been together doesn’t necessarily indicate the intimacy level. All relationships are different. Having sex too early in a relationship can actually prevent emotional intimacy in the future. A relationship surrounded by clear communication and a respecting of one another’s boundaries is one of emotional intimacy. There is a trust and respect already built. Emotional intimacy is not trying to “win” and get the other person to compromise.

Is communication clear?
When dealing with your heart and boundaries it is often best to say what you are thinking. Not in the heat of the moment or in public but calmly in private. Establish personal boundaries for yourself early in the relationship. Let your boyfriend know where your boundaries are, and explain the consequences for in crossing them. Watch his reaction to what you are saying. He may have the right words, but do his actions match? He should back off and give you space in this area. Just because you set boundaries now doesn’t mean they have to stay there always. It is much easier to remove boundaries then add them later.

If you love me…
Have you heard this line: “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me”? Manipulation in a relationship is not cool! This message is a clear sign he cares more about himself than you. You deserve better.

Is fear a factor?
Sometimes a woman may feel that if she does not say yes her boyfriend will leave her, not like her, or cheat. If you feel this way, ask yourself the following questions. Does he respect my boundaries? Which is more important, staying true to myself and my values or trying to please him? Of course you want to make him happy, but you shouldn’t have to change your needs and wants based on what you think he might feel. If your boyfriend truly loves you he should not push you to do something you are not comfortable with. When fear is a strong factor in a relationship, it is time to evaluate: is this relationship healthy for me?

Is it over?
If your boyfriend will not take no for an answer, it may be over. Yes, it will hurt emotionally to end the relationship, but think about this….is it better to end it now or be in a long-term relationship with a man who does not respect me? Wouldn’t you want to know that your relationship was based solely on the promise of sexual intimacy? Yes, attraction is important in any romantic relationship, but being honored and respected holds infinitely more weight. Ultimately it is your decision whether or not to have sex. No woman should ever be forced or manipulated into having sex.

Are you ready for sex? The question is deeper than the physical act. It is a question to be answered through the value of self, emotional intimacy, and the relationship as a whole. Talk to a teacher or a mentor. Take all the time you need, and remember, you only get to open this door once.

If you want to talk to someone feel free to call us here at Options for Women. 573-883-1088